Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
this will hang in the louvre one day
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Said the murderer.