hi why am I like this
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish