Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Thank you corporation very cool
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Monica just destroyed the internet
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.