If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search