Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.