no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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