If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in