Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
You Might Also Like
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
#StillHurts
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…