One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Whoa 😂
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*weighs self after shaving
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler