Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
You Might Also Like
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
sensitive skin
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“How’s your day going?”