7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.