Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My wedding will be open casket.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“Wait, let me explain..”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
😂😂😂
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos