When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..