I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
You Might Also Like
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Thursday
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”