The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas