[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
You Might Also Like
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for