My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!