Easy enough.
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.