me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.