“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Womenâs skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Letâs make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like Iâm progressing in my fitness goals
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
That first coffee be like oh youâre awake HA just kidding.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like âok can I bring my gardenerâ?
(Dracula has social anxiety and canât attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If you know, you know đđ
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf đ
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Daughter didnât want âsunscreamâ so I put her outside and yelled âSUN…. GET HERâ and now sheâs flipping out.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows canât walk down stairs
Look, we donât expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if youâre okay or notâŚ. So how come when I do it people are like âOh, sheâs being weird againâ
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun