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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.