If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The 6 types of sex
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
#CatsOnTwitter
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Nose
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
who did the taste test?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.