In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers