These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever