This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A friend sent me this.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”