“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash