Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀