3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
inside you are two wolves