I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…