I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it