“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
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My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
This took me a second..
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*