2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Wake me when AI does housework
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
This is amazing.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.