When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
WHY?!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE