Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
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Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?