10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop