Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Tell the colonel to bring it
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately