Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.