For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
i want to work in this restaurant
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”