What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.