6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please