You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”