[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I triple waxed for this?
Oh we’ve met.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
no refunds
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.