Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Wednesday
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go