cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
😜
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass