Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.