Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages