cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house