male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
who did the taste test?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”