You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed