Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*